That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
