as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Randomize
