I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
