im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
