apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Randomize
