Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Randomize
