I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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