good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
It's official drugs can't kill me
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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