I just threw up on my dentist
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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