I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
