Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
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