M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Randomize
