so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
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He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
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Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
as a side note pls kill me
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