My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
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Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
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How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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