Your mouth is God's brothel.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
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