Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
