Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
