I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize