She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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