so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I'm too high and old for this...
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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