3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I love you. Go after that dick
Randomize
