ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Randomize
