My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize