I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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