it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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