Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
thus making me awesome and them whores
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
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