I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Randomize
