Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
