Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Randomize
