i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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