hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
