seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
