I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Randomize
