I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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