OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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