i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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