There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
