i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
