my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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