I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
We had to coat check the pizza.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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