the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
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