I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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