My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Randomize
