I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
did i just pee glitter
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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