Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Your shirt... Was in my pants
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
