May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
