One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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