im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
