your thong is hanging out like whoa
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
