that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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