I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
