My friends, they love my intelligence
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
