WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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