so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
