So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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