I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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